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How to Win When You Lose

Hey Solo Dad,

This week, I want to talk about failure. I recently finished a competition I’d been training months for. I’m 55 years old, a brown belt, and I got out there to test my training. The result? I lost both of my matches. The immediate feeling is frustration and disappointment. You feel like you let yourself down. You put in the hours, you showed up, and the outcome wasn’t what you wanted.


This feeling isn't unique to the mats. It’s the same one you get when you’ve had a blow-up with your kid after a long, draining work week, or when you missed a crucial deadline that cost you a client. In single fatherhood, these setbacks feel amplified because there’s no co-pilot to cushion the impact. It's life giving you immediate, hard, unforgiving feedback.


But after years of being a single parent, I know the real truth: The failure is where the training begins. That loss is a crystal-clear signal of where your game failed. It's not a moral failure; it’s a direct instruction. Your life just gave you the blueprint for your next practice session. The real victory wasn't the competition; it was the discipline to immediately get back to the drawing board to see the things I needed to work on. This is how we move from surviving to thriving: by becoming students of our own setbacks. This practice is the foundation of true solo dad resilience.


1 Actionable Strategy: The Post-Mortem: A System for Solo Dad Self-Correction

We often obsess over what went wrong, which usually leads to self-criticism and guilt. You need a structured, objective process to harvest the lessons without dwelling on the shame. This is a system I learned from my time as a program manager and training developer, designed to promote better emotional regulation.


The Post-Mortem is a 15-minute system to process any setback:

  • List 3 Things That Went Well: Focus on the process, not the outcome. Did you show up? Did you stay calm for the first 10 minutes of the argument? Did you stick to your financial boundary? Find the wins.


  • Identify 3 Things to Improve: Be brutal, but objective. This isn't about why you failed, but what specific factor you can change. Example: "I lost my temper when my son yelled," becomes "I need a better 'pause' strategy when I feel my chest tighten."


  • Define 1 Specific Action: Choose one tiny, immediate step based on #2. This is your "next practice." Example: "I will put a sticky note on the fridge that says 'Stop. Breathe. Choose.'"


This strategy bypasses the emotional gut-punch and turns the failure into an organized, simple task list—the direct process of asking better questions and creating systems for thriving.


1 Mindset Shift: Failure is Data, Not Identity

As a solo dad, your sense of self is already under pressure. When you fail—whether it’s missing a work deadline or yelling at a tired kid—the temptation is to let that event define you: "I'm a bad dad," or "I'm not cut out for this."

The shift is simple: Separate the Outcome from the Man.

This is especially critical for those of us with ADHD. That voice of shame—the one that screams "You're a failure!" after a setback—is often amplified by our neurotype. The loss is a temporary event in your life. Your character is a process built from every time you choose to get back up. When the inner voice calls you a failure, you calmly reply, "That event was a learning moment. My identity is defined by the fact that I will show up again." This commitment to train more and keep showing up is the father your kids need, and it’s the core of developing lasting solo dad resilience.


This book fundamentally changed how I view challenges, for myself and for my kids. Dweck introduces the concept of the "Growth Mindset"—the belief that your basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. It's the academic framework for why you should always train more and ask questions. It will help you reframe your own mistakes and, more importantly, teach your children how to embrace challenges instead of fearing them. You can find it on Amazon or at your local library.


Cheers to the journey,

Todd



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